The art of choking the chicken

In a world of super heroes and action stars there are bound to be the incredibly inept chicken shits, The ones who make you either wish for their demise or cheer at their total lack of judgement aka running away. Here's to you man!





Sgt o'neill(Platoon)This is the common case of chicken shit and ass kisser all into one! His motivation is clearly based on the fact that no one gives a shit if he lives or dies.






Pvt hudson(Aliens)Awww c'mon, you know who this is. He can hang in the best of shootouts but when the going gets tough he exist stage left real quick. I'm not gonna say the catchphrase man, I'm not gonna say it....





Malak(Conan the destroyer)A true gem, has no fighting ability or skills. All he did was take cover and stole artifacts. I believe he might have hit a person or two on a whimsical scale, Everyone needs one of these on their team.




Luther(The warriors)Wow, You commit a crime and totally lay it on someone else by starting a rumour. And on top of that you can't rumble, The super ultimate fifth grade bitch move.





That guy from the mummy 2Totally looks like a modern day Don knotts, everything he did was by total accident and actually came off as a hero. huh?




Lalin'(Carlito's way)
Ok, It's bad enough you're in a wheelchair, But getting caught wearing a wire to bring down your boys always sets a new low in chicken shit 101.





The pilot(dawn of the dead)Ah yeah, a true gem, not only is this guy stupid, he can't aim a rifle and doesn't know the concept of a back up plan. Traits you definitely don't want in a zombie apocalypse. Way to go champ. I'm sure he can pull it off.





On second thought...

Random movie characters who could've been contenders.

This is my totally random list of movie characters who were side players and somehow managed to stand out while they lasted onscreen. I'm pretty sure i'm missing a few.



Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz(inglorious basterds)
Is known as a maniac to both German and US forces,As a nazi he ended up killing scores of nazi ranking officials before being imprisoned, Once freed he joined the basterds but ends up dying in a shootout. not enought screen time i tell you.





Floyd(True romance)
All this guy did was use up all the toilet paper, talked smack watched t.v and smoked weed. that's it... nothing else. Who says you have to do alot to get attention.





Rorschach (Watchmen)

Who cares about all the other characters problems when you have rorschach to show you how the jobs done, Sadistic and somewhat crazy he's what dark heroes are made of. Was it fair for him to get killed?





Mr furious (Mystery men)
He has absolutely no powers but he can get mad like a 10 year old catching a tantrum. The only one who can pull this off is ben stiller. or course..





Bunny(platoon)What this guy boils down to is a stone cold soldier who has no qualms smashing skulls in and putting people out of their misery, With a name like Bunny what did you expect.





Bub (Day of the dead)

He managed to surpass all the other zombies as far as intelligence. What happened to him after this movie? no one will ever know.





Blain(Predator)
Holy hell, his rail machine gun was the craziest weapon ever, It was ridiculous to have him killed so quick. rematch!





Lightning (Big trouble in little china)

Holy hell, You had kung fu fighters all over the place and then you had this guy, Who's lightning skill was displayed for a mere few seconds time before chop sockying everyone to death in an alleyway rumble.





Hit girl (kick ass)
So here is this 9 year old girl who can dodge bullets and end the life of just about anyone who crosses her path. Awesome character indeed.





Lord humungus(The road warrior)
Man, This dude was crazy. As the leader he'd choke out his own henchmen just to prove a point. They definitely should have shown more of this guy doing umm.. more choking people and ummm.. more speeches about taking oil and gas and stuff.... yeah..





Ajax (The warriors)
He never took any guff and got down with the rumbles, He called everyone wimps and fags and didn't take any shit. Why this guy never made warlord status is beyond me.





Jesus quintana (The big lebowski)
I can't even tell you how random this choice was, All i can say is that he takes bowling to a whole new level.





Mani (brotherhood of the wolf)
Yep, a sidekick who hardly ever spoke but when the gloves come off get ready to have a mani foot up your ass, Claimed to be a real native american indian this guy was every man's dream of lethal backup.




Jet jaguar (godzilla vs megalon)

Whaaaat? How can you have a cool ass robot for a sidekick, And he can fly and give karate chops like no one's business, Haaaiiiiiiiiii!!!





Pumpkin and Hunny bunny(Pulp fiction)
Totally bad ass stick up team who definitely have the cool and demeanor to rob you blind or shoot you in the face. All while calling each other by their pet names. awww...




Fredo (godfather)

Ah, im just kidding....

Movie cliches that will never die!

Yeah, I can sit here and go on forever being that the movie industry is saturated with copycat storylines and stolen ideas, As for me here are a few that i feel stand out in my eyes. But then again, Slo motion action still rules..



Insubordinate subordinates

As always there are the lackeys who never get anything right, They usually let the prisoner escape or fail to shoot straight and miss every opportunity or crash into a ditch during a car chase or Blah blah blah.... the list goes on. Always a sure win in action movies.

Moving away from an explosion while conversating

Yes, Once the trend was set by good ol Tarantino it spread like filler wildfire. I mean how cool is that, Big explosion while you walk away unfazed talking about royale with cheese. But in real life that shit would knock you on your ass while dealing with tinitis for about a year.





The Love interest

Why man...whyyy. Doesnt everyone know that if you were a real hero saving the day she would probably just get upset at the fact that you are saving the day and not paying attention to her...





The nerd comic relief

Revenge of the nerds for the year 2k, Every teen movie is nothing without a ubernerd to stir shit up. Either he's a vag repellent or just an idiot pretty much sums up the premise of the character. Go goof troop!





First date scenes

It always happens, The movie couple hook up and end up doing about 7 or eight montage shots of walking in a park, Shooting pool, Apple picking, Sky diving and shark hunting all in the span of a day, But they will never show how they got there. I.e Cab, subway, Walking or whatever, What the hell i guess only in movies there is no such thing as laws of physics.





Movie characters coming back after being shot or stabbed or whatever.

Up to this day writers and directors seem to think that this formula works. Such a cheap way to end any kind of movie, The scare/suprise factor is non existent because it has been done to a degree of human dna coding, We see it coming man. Please stop.





But then again there are few suprisesBEN (1972)

From eating brains to eating ass

Ok, here's George romero, the undisputed king of the whole zombie genre, He basically reshaped the way zombie movies were made. And everyone else just followed. But you can only stay at the top for oh so long.





This movie started it all, made on a shoestring budget and in black and white it's considered a staple in zombie movie history, With no real explanation the dead rise and start to eat the living, a few survivors hide out in an old house trying to fend off the zombies, great suspense with a bummer ending, but yeah it's good no foolin.





Ah yes, It starts out with some crazy swat team action on an urban building, a few survivors take off on their own by helicopter to find refuge and end up hiding out at a mall. What seemed like a novel idea turns out to be a clusterfuck. All thanks to a bunch of other renegade humans who umm. Act worse than the zombies. I truly believe this one put zombie movies on the map, In full color and enough gore to make everyone happy, A true gem.





Supposedly the last of the zombie trilogy, This time there's a more scientific approach, a few Soldiers and scientists hide out in an underground bunker trying to figure out if they can teach or control zombies thru experiments, meanwhile the world outside is completely overrun by zombies, and it all goes to hell because the said soldiers start acting worst than the zombies.. yeah, i said it. I see a pattern here. I still love you Bub.





ok, now that George romero pretty much settled into the year 2000 we end up with this movie, the world is completely run by zombies and yeah there's a social message buried in here about how the rich get better stuff than the poor, blah blah. and no matter how much intelligence you can drill into humans on zombie survival 101 someone will always figure how to wander off and take a piss without their firearm or listen to their walkman unprotected. Oh yeah, then there's John leguizamo... bleh!





Now, I'm not going to complain much on this one, yeah, it's filmed primarily on steadcam as a so called documentary but using the internet as a basis of communication and all that live feed stuff is not very realistic, If i knew there were zombies everywhere and there's a high chance of getting eaten the last thing i'm gonna do is get on youtube and look up crap to watch. Oh yeah, will cablevision still be in business during a zombie apocalypse? Fuck maybe i should never cancel my account.




OOOOkay, So there's still people out there, And there's still the "net". But yeah, The best way to describe this movie....hold on. Some guy gets booted from an island (ireland i guess) because he was killing off zombies, huh? so he returns with a few soldiers and yeah, people get shot and get eaten and so forth, there's so much dialogue it's extremely sickening, This movie truly feels like a zombie soap opera of something that would appear on the sci fi channel. seriously. Every single character was extremely forgettable,I wanted the zombies to just eat everyone and then have the credits roll and who would use cgi in a zombie movie man, holy hell...
How do humans end up being outsmarted by zombies who pace is beyond me. oh yeah and then there was a zombie riding a horse, i'm not fucking kidding.. C'mon george, you had a good run dude, Give up that throne already.

This is like having your old ass relative come to your party and trying to rap.

Robot Jleeerrghgh!

Robot joxMan, I remember reading about this movie in a Fangoria magazine back in the day, I was so excited when it detailed how this was going to be the next big thing, giant ass robots fighting and transforming, What can you possibly ask for in 1990? Let's just say that when this movie was finally released it raised a new low in high tech movie making, The robots moved in super slo motion even though they did look cool, The acting was so bad i cannot believe that it never reached mystery science theatre status. What could've been a step or even a leap into the future of filmaking turned out to be a train wreck, I cannot further express in detail what's wrong with this movie, just look at the link i have provided by our friends at Youtube, Welcome to the future.....of crap!

It's 2010 and it's already time for the chop!

Wow, the year 2010, I would think that maybe we should have flying saucers and hovercraft vehicles and teleportation, but nothing..None of the above, All we get are crappy movies and games and celebrity gossip and all sorts of nonsense. So yeah, It's time for things to get the CHOP!







Windows vista, Aaaah poor thing, you were suppose to be the way of the future, With your super incompatability issues and ability to use up cpu resources to run at a normal rate, It's no wonder you were put to rest after only like 3/4 years or something. You wanna try out this new program?...nope it won't work. Wanna play this game or that game on it? nope. That's ok, i have my friend here with a few words.HASSAN CHOP!!!





Smokin' aces 2, Yep it's a sequel prequel or something..Whatever, This movie went straight to dvd which means it's crap. And boy is it ever! Poor vinnie jones, I give him credit, he'll make any movie sound good on paper and he can ham it up. but this story is so dumb it's more confusing and uninteresting than the first Smokin aces. And yeah, it's low budget with cgi explosions and cliche' slo' mo shootouts. I swear this couldve been a scifi channel exclusive.Hassan chop!





Celebrity gossip, I don't care, i dont caaare! Why would i need to know which celebrity is starving him/herself or someone broke up with someone else or sold/bought a new huge ass house or got a new facelift or wrecked their vehicle or got into rehab or got divorced or had a new baby or arrrghghgh!! Oh wait. Lindsey lohan is in trouble again. Say hello to my little friend. HASSAN CHOP!





Dark void, Good premise, Some guy flies around in a jetpack destroying flying vehicles and on the ground he shoots it out with aliens, But when you actually play, you will spend a great deal of time crashing into things and moving the mouse in all directions just to gain control of the damn jetpack, the ground levels are quite boring, with ho' hum run and gun action. I tried to like this, i really did, And if you have a trackball mouse....FAIL. I would rather just watch The rocketeer. And for that... Hassan chop!

Frank millaaarrrghghg!!

I love Frank miller as well as his artwork, his stories and movie adaptions. He has been praised by all, One time i even walked up to him at a comic convention to get his autograph. So i can say, I am a huge fan of his work. I can't possibly list all the books he has done and yeah, I might have missed a series or two but his transition to hollywood can be easily followed. So here are the list of movies he has done or had been involved in.





Ah well, The first robocop was a hoot and this one tries to follow in it's suit, While the special effects were pretty darn good the story is a jumbled mess, Ultra violence and a killer 12 year old will make you shake your head in disbelief with such an inept storyline, But whatever, This movie came out in 1990 so there's an excuse, But frank miller wrote this in his heyday so...ummm, what's your excuse dude?





What's not to say about this one, Straight out of the Sin city comic series comes this film, And man whas everyone blown away. With three stories going on at once we are immersed into a world of black and white film noir with little splashes of red, Amazing triumph for all involved.





Ah man, 300 is something to behold, It's basically a story about the spartan army holding down the fort until they are all killed. ummm, yeah. it supposedly happened. But the sick visuals and hyped action set pieces makes this one memorable. A definite watch.





The Spirit, What the hell? Ok this is what happens when you have too many eggs in one basket, one will eventually fall over. and boy is this movie it. Going back to the style of sin city we have the black and white thing, The one liners, The dames, The guns, and all that good stuff, But the script is so bad and umbelieveable that if you can actually sit thru this i swear i'll give you $50 bucks, An all star cast can't save this movie, I'm upset that i can't watch this in it's entirety and i have a feeling alot of people out there can't either. Don't bother man. This movie sucks balls..