Sunday, October 17, 2010

The art of choking the chicken

In a world of super heroes and action stars there are bound to be the incredibly inept chicken shits, The ones who make you either wish for their demise or cheer at their total lack of judgement aka running away. Here's to you man!

Sgt o'neill(Platoon)This is the common case of chicken shit and ass kisser all into one! His motivation is clearly based on the fact that no one gives a shit if he lives or dies.

Pvt hudson(Aliens)Awww c'mon, you know who this is. He can hang in the best of shootouts but when the going gets tough he exist stage left real quick. I'm not gonna say the catchphrase man, I'm not gonna say it....

Malak(Conan the destroyer)A true gem, has no fighting ability or skills. All he did was take cover and stole artifacts. I believe he might have hit a person or two on a whimsical scale, Everyone needs one of these on their team.

Luther(The warriors)Wow, You commit a crime and totally lay it on someone else by starting a rumour. And on top of that you can't rumble, The super ultimate fifth grade bitch move.

That guy from the mummy 2Totally looks like a modern day Don knotts, everything he did was by total accident and actually came off as a hero. huh?

Lalin'(Carlito's way)
Ok, It's bad enough you're in a wheelchair, But getting caught wearing a wire to bring down your boys always sets a new low in chicken shit 101.

The pilot(dawn of the dead)Ah yeah, a true gem, not only is this guy stupid, he can't aim a rifle and doesn't know the concept of a back up plan. Traits you definitely don't want in a zombie apocalypse. Way to go champ. I'm sure he can pull it off.

On second thought...

Friday, October 15, 2010

Random movie characters who could've been contenders.

This is my totally random list of movie characters who were side players and somehow managed to stand out while they lasted onscreen. I'm pretty sure i'm missing a few.

Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz(inglorious basterds)
Is known as a maniac to both German and US forces,As a nazi he ended up killing scores of nazi ranking officials before being imprisoned, Once freed he joined the basterds but ends up dying in a shootout. not enought screen time i tell you.

Floyd(True romance)
All this guy did was use up all the toilet paper, talked smack watched t.v and smoked weed. that's it... nothing else. Who says you have to do alot to get attention.

Rorschach (Watchmen)

Who cares about all the other characters problems when you have rorschach to show you how the jobs done, Sadistic and somewhat crazy he's what dark heroes are made of. Was it fair for him to get killed?

Mr furious (Mystery men)
He has absolutely no powers but he can get mad like a 10 year old catching a tantrum. The only one who can pull this off is ben stiller. or course..

Bunny(platoon)What this guy boils down to is a stone cold soldier who has no qualms smashing skulls in and putting people out of their misery, With a name like Bunny what did you expect.

Bub (Day of the dead)

He managed to surpass all the other zombies as far as intelligence. What happened to him after this movie? no one will ever know.

Holy hell, his rail machine gun was the craziest weapon ever, It was ridiculous to have him killed so quick. rematch!

Lightning (Big trouble in little china)

Holy hell, You had kung fu fighters all over the place and then you had this guy, Who's lightning skill was displayed for a mere few seconds time before chop sockying everyone to death in an alleyway rumble.

Hit girl (kick ass)
So here is this 9 year old girl who can dodge bullets and end the life of just about anyone who crosses her path. Awesome character indeed.

Lord humungus(The road warrior)
Man, This dude was crazy. As the leader he'd choke out his own henchmen just to prove a point. They definitely should have shown more of this guy doing umm.. more choking people and ummm.. more speeches about taking oil and gas and stuff.... yeah..

Ajax (The warriors)
He never took any guff and got down with the rumbles, He called everyone wimps and fags and didn't take any shit. Why this guy never made warlord status is beyond me.

Jesus quintana (The big lebowski)
I can't even tell you how random this choice was, All i can say is that he takes bowling to a whole new level.

Mani (brotherhood of the wolf)
Yep, a sidekick who hardly ever spoke but when the gloves come off get ready to have a mani foot up your ass, Claimed to be a real native american indian this guy was every man's dream of lethal backup.

Jet jaguar (godzilla vs megalon)

Whaaaat? How can you have a cool ass robot for a sidekick, And he can fly and give karate chops like no one's business, Haaaiiiiiiiiii!!!

Pumpkin and Hunny bunny(Pulp fiction)
Totally bad ass stick up team who definitely have the cool and demeanor to rob you blind or shoot you in the face. All while calling each other by their pet names. awww...

Fredo (godfather)

Ah, im just kidding....

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Movie cliches that will never die!

Yeah, I can sit here and go on forever being that the movie industry is saturated with copycat storylines and stolen ideas, As for me here are a few that i feel stand out in my eyes. But then again, Slo motion action still rules..

Insubordinate subordinates

As always there are the lackeys who never get anything right, They usually let the prisoner escape or fail to shoot straight and miss every opportunity or crash into a ditch during a car chase or Blah blah blah.... the list goes on. Always a sure win in action movies.

Moving away from an explosion while conversating

Yes, Once the trend was set by good ol Tarantino it spread like filler wildfire. I mean how cool is that, Big explosion while you walk away unfazed talking about royale with cheese. But in real life that shit would knock you on your ass while dealing with tinitis for about a year.

The Love interest

Why man...whyyy. Doesnt everyone know that if you were a real hero saving the day she would probably just get upset at the fact that you are saving the day and not paying attention to her...

The nerd comic relief

Revenge of the nerds for the year 2k, Every teen movie is nothing without a ubernerd to stir shit up. Either he's a vag repellent or just an idiot pretty much sums up the premise of the character. Go goof troop!

First date scenes

It always happens, The movie couple hook up and end up doing about 7 or eight montage shots of walking in a park, Shooting pool, Apple picking, Sky diving and shark hunting all in the span of a day, But they will never show how they got there. I.e Cab, subway, Walking or whatever, What the hell i guess only in movies there is no such thing as laws of physics.

Movie characters coming back after being shot or stabbed or whatever.

Up to this day writers and directors seem to think that this formula works. Such a cheap way to end any kind of movie, The scare/suprise factor is non existent because it has been done to a degree of human dna coding, We see it coming man. Please stop.

But then again there are few suprisesBEN (1972)