Sunday, October 13, 2013

Movie cliches part 2!!

Well, I'm back with more movie cliches! I guarantee 4 out of 5 movies have at least one of these embedded in the script somewhere. I think i actually saw a movie recently that had all said cliches rolled into one. Cripes..

Always hitting your target
 In the movie world, No matter what type of gun you're using or if you have human hands or lobster claws will never miss a shot. 2 feet or 100 feet? No problem, Mid air or underwater? I got this. In reality you will probably hit an innocent bystander or your car windshield.

Being the underdog
No matter what situation, gender or race. In movies the underdog will always win. From life learning lessons about responsibility, inheriting some great fortune or learning a skill set in kung fu ass kicking. The downtrodden will survive. Buuut in real life the only person on top of the food chain is your boss telling you to unclog that toilet. Awesome.

Living happily ever after
The ultimate cliche as seen in just about every movie and more to come in the near future, Guy meets girl, Guy and girl do a bunch of things, Guy and girl do the thing, And guy and girl ride off into the sunset. In the real world it's totally different, because there's umm, infidelity, old age, mounting bills, weight gain and all of that good stuff that can end your relationship. The future is bright..

Stupid people!
 Bought a house where a mass murder occured? Check. Swam in shark infested waters? Check. Picked up that hitchhiker? Check. Rode around during a tornado? Check. The list goes on and on, The movie world is filled with inept individuals who want nothing more than to fill their infantile curiosity. As long as there's a movie script somewhere it'll be filled with dumb asses.

Boss fight!
The super ultimate cliche if i ever seen one, Almost every other movie produced will end up with a final battle. I don't mean to spoil it for you but you see that (insert name here) good guy over there? He will fight some (insert name here) super villain and win. How else are you gonna close a two hour movie?

Character dying while revealing plotline
From Star wars to damn if i know, There's always someone dying and spilling guts as to who the killer is, Where the money is stashed or where someone hid that ham sandwich. There's something about dying folk that can help a movie plot run smoothly. Works every time..

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The end is fucking nigh!

The worlds end vs This is the end... whaaa?
Two movies, two similar titles, two movies with similar titles with moral implications, two movies with...aah you get the picture...

The world's end

 Six friends reunite to continue what they had started 20 years ago, finishing up 12 pubs in one night. What starts out as a normal day out with the boys ends up becoming something between Invasion of the body snatchers/Stepford wives and some story from Twilight zone. whatever..

Moral of the story.
 Underneath the exterior lies a message about how some of us hold on to useless memories and let life pass us by. Also the extremely tough choices we make as to either be free of any sort of control and reliance or become as society sees fit, marriage, a promising career ect ect. Are we capable of total independence and freedom? Can the human race coexist without authority or government control? Or are we just sheep?  On both sides of the spectrum you always win and lose.

This is the end

 A group of celebrity friends party it up and act like the Hollywood stars that they are up until the end of the world starts to actually happen and everyone has their comeuppance.
Think of it as the final act from the anime Legend of the overfiend. Including the giant cock.

Moral of the story.
 Being a dick doesn't pay. The underlying message of do good to others and every positive good Samaritan quote applies here. Is it easy to do? yes, Is it hard to do? yes. Being righteous and good sends you to heaven and anything else gets you eaten by some demon or something. So if you're agnostic, this movie won't make sense to you so forget it..

 So there you have it, My unbiased opinion about both of these films and their messages about humanity and salvation and all of that good stuff. And if you somehow missed all of the indications, it's OK, Next time I'll send my friend here to help you out a bit..

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Top 5 Relationship movies closer to real life. not that i'm bitter or anything...

High fidelity
 Sometimes life begs to question, Is it random chance or just me? who knows, relationships are tricky and this movie shows just how a break up can lead to searching for answers in just about everyone else. The lighthearted ending is kind of expected but the prior is something familiar we all have inside of us at some point. 


500 days of summer

 Man and a woman meet and develop a relationship, It starts out break up first and gradually builds up to the relationship as perfect. Problem is that there is the expectation and actual reality perception, it's pretty sad to see because you can actually say to yourself, Damn, maybe what i thought was a good relationship really wasn't.. The mind plays tricks my friends..

Blue valentine

 Sometimes a relationship can start out so perfect it can be described as a picture perfect moment, This movie starts out this way and it slowly grinds the relationship to a halt, What went wrong? No definite answers here, That's the way life is, Things just don't work the way you think it's suppose to.. Imagine having the love you always dreamed of only to have your heart handed back, Probably in half. in a jar, with ants.

Chasing Amy

 Ah damn, that one thing.. that one innocent confession your partner told you. That one confession you can't let go of, Is it worth really ruining your perfect relationship over? It sure is! because hey! It's the battle of the sexes and someone has to be the alpha male.. And for your troubles you've won... Nothing.

Strange days

 The perils of holding on to the past. You drink,eat, piss and do everything in your power not to forget, It takes over your life in a way that it turns you into a mere shell of a person and naive as hell, When it's all said and done your perception has landed her a godlike status but down on real earth shes just a skank who's been used and abused and doesn't give a shit about you.. sorry man, That's the breaks.

The "Before" trilogy, sunrise,sunset and midnight

 On a serious note, This last entry depict a couple from two different parallels meeting by random chance,  We see the couple enjoy the day ahead of them sharing stories and ideas while time grows near for them to depart, What you expect doesn't happen and it will leave you wondering. What's next?. Sometimes you can't force life, Things fall where they may if you let them.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Rom! rhymes with ummm rom..

Another trip down memory lane, this time i bring you

ROM! The space night!
This toy was super awesome to have,  Aaah the sweet memories of having a robot with zero body articulation. My young and fragile mind couldn't comprehend the fine detailing that went into such an extravagant piece of robot machinery. Blinking eyes, laser blasters and a scanner thingy!  What more can a kid ask for?

ROM even had a comic book! I'm gonna faint!

I may never see you again, But i have my memories, i will never forget you...

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Your kid might be possessed if, a quick guide from the movie The possession.

If you go to a yard sale and buy a wooden box for your kid and don't check the contents.
Jewish satanic inscriptions? Gold!

If your kid stabs you with a fork and you think its an overreaction.
OK! it's definitely time out young lady!

Your  kids room is infested with moths, and you think its normal
Ok hunny, your mothra obsession is going waaaay overboard.

Your kids teacher gets killed in her own school and you send her back like nothing happened.
The system failed me!

If your kid swallows moths and.. wait...that is normal right?
Ah, the life of a teenager.

If your trying to read the Torah while your kid is in bed to exorcise a demon.
The power of Christ compels! ummm.. wait.. Jesus saves!... no...wait.. um.. oy vey!.

If you drive to Brooklyn to find a Jew priest and end up on a fake movie set.
Definitely the left at Albuquerque

Your kid rips out mommy's boyfriends teeth and hes never heard of again.
Tell her i lover her! waaaaa! mommyyyyyy!

Your kid's in hospital for a mri and they strap on a face mask!
Yep, medicaid at work..

If a Jewish priest performs an exorcist and an evil soul crawls out of you and into a box.
Definitely bringing out the gimp.

If said jew is killed in a crash but the box stays intact.
Waiting for next teen.... Anyone? anyone?

Moral to this story, If your marriage is in the shits, Get your kid possessed.
Remember that thing with the demon and stuff? ahaahahahah! hilarious!

Friday, January 18, 2013

The one game i never played on tv... yeah...

 Baaaack in the 80's when all was primitive and only 7 english channels existed we had a game show on channel 11 called TV Pixxx, All you had to do is call in and play live on the air, And by live i mean shouting out "pixx" on the phone and the lasers would fire on screen. Just imagine kids screaming that over and over for 5 minutes.. Did anyone ever win? I don't know. But for some reason it was fun to watch...or was it not fun and i was just 8 crayons short of a full box.... whatever...

Pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx pixx....Yeah. Love it..

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

In case you're not familiar with Judge Dredd movies or If it ain't right the first time, Fickin' do it again!

2000 a.d comics from the U.K makes it's way to the states
(yes i had this very same issue)

 Some of the characters who appear are.

      Judge dredd, Main character and an officer from Mega city one.

Judge Anderson, Psychic officer who helps out Dredd from time to time

Fergee, On and off again sidekick

Mean Machine, Recurring villain who loves the headbutt.

Judge Hershey, Judge Dredds's partner when out on the beat.

And why would anyone care?
because someone made this happen

Wait... his helmet is off. let's try again..


              Mean Machine, Check, True to his character. Spot on.

            Fergee, Check! wait that's Rob Schneider, Looks promising!

Hey! It's Judge Dredd's clone! Not from the comic but they look identical!

Judge Hershey, Check.. No almonds.

All the actors are in place, The uniforms are too awesome for words! This is a dream come true! Finally! A Judge Dredd movie! It's gonna be a winnah!

General consensus say.. It bombed..

How can this be, everything was lined up perfectly, With a huge action star and uniforms made by Versace,  The problem was no one had even heard of Judge Dredd, Only if you lived in the U.K or were a true comic book collector/reader this was a dream come true, This was strictly a U.K character with a movie made in the good ol' U.S of A, So what can go wrong, Everything, Out goes the political satire and meaning of justice from the books because you know. Americans are much different, We only want kooky sidekicks slapped with buffoonery, Endless unnecessary gun play, Shit one liners, Explosions, Predictable double crossings and wooden acting. aaaand he took his helmet off..Yeah... it was that bad...

                                             But on with the story.

Judge dredd is framed for a murder by no other than his brother who is a clone, He reunites with fergee who he had arrested earlier in the film and umm.. yeah, Dredd fights Mean machine, kills a bunch of people, someone unimportant gets betrayed and killed by a robot, Some other shit happens and after a climactic standoff Dredd kills his clone brother, Saves the day and gives his promotion to Judge Hershey. Suck it..

Some 17 odd years later.

Now, I can say that this is a much more closer adaptation to it's source material. And yes, It's not cluttered with characters who no one will care about anyway and no surprising sub plots or double crosses or tits and ass and shit one liners, Blah! it's everything that the original Judge Dredd movie wanted to be but couldn't, To be honest,  It's an unamerican movie. How can this be. It's ultra violent, Ultra bloody, But for some reason it works. Because fuck it, They are judges and that's what they do. Pass judgement. It's like the movie "The raid" injected with Judge Dredd and being directed by an early John Carpenter/Zack Snyder/Paul Verhoeven.

Is there a story here? Sure is.. 

                                                                                              Judge Dredd


                                                          Judge Anderson

go after

                                                                        Ma Ma

And Dredd's final verdict? Death of course... the end..

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The rise and fall of comic shops and comics.

This is the complete short version

From what I remember only two entities dominating the comic industry at the time were

Dc comics 
And a few independent companies coexisted with these giants. 
By the late 80's comics had a massively huge audience due to intense storytelling and a strong continuity process. It was easy to collect a series and 50 issues later still feel like you were following the story. And while Marvel and dc were reaping the benefits not everyone was content. And just how people unionize a workplace comic underlings had something better in mind...

Image comics

Is that a chromium cover! I love you Image!!

Creative control has always been an issue whether musician or artist. And while the big two had a strong grip it was time for artist to break free,  And what better way than to open your own comic company and give the artist and writers what they want. Full creative control. So yeah. Now we have 3 bigwigs in the market, How do you attract a comic audience?

Comic book gimmicks!!

It's gonna be worth a fortune!!! (notice collector's edition written all over it)

What better way to grab an audience but to invent characters that have no substance. Rebooting issues of major characters and having to force you to start reading a new series again only this time the origins have been altered. Using famous artist to boot a series and then switch to a mediocre one 3 issues later.  Releasing god knows how many chromium covers, Holographic covers, Poly bagged issues with card inserts, Bullet holes, Vomit bags, Ribbons and so forth until the market became completely overblown with utterly useless comics. There were no stories anymore. Just gimmicks. It became too much. Suddenly no one was interested in comics anymore, People were just buying up books because they released the same issue in 5 different colors, Who cared what the story was about, Everything had collector's edition stamped on it so it was cool,  New readers didn't know where to start reading and longtime readers were just too lost in the mess to stick around. And everyone felt it. 

 Comic gold!!

Oh wow the cover is ripped! This is gonna be my down payment on a house!!

And dc comics fared no better
 Oh my god! Now my collection is complete!

 Robin poly bagged!! I think i just busted a nut..

The plastic wrapping is worth more than the comic itself.

And independent comic companies?

Omg!! Rob liefeld...  I can't contain myself... hands... shaking... I want it!!

Omfgbleerrghghg!!!  I'll buy five please..

Lady death gold cover special edition, and it's worth.... Fuck all.

1993 was the year of The ferret... yes folks... The ferret. I can't even keep a straight face here.

This industry move spelled the end to just about every comic shop in the United states. One by one they closed down. Shuttered because companies thought that's what we wanted. But is was the opposite. All we wanted were some good solid stories and unfortunately that didn't happen for at least a decade,  While the ride was good for scores of fans and myself included over the years it was time for me to get off.  And now in the new era, movies and video games dominate the big industries with comics being completely last. Comic shops? Good luck finding one and if you do it's full of veteran readers holding the torch, Kids don't even know in what sequence to read comics page by page. Forget attending a comic convention, It's filled with people dressed up as god knows what and video game booths everywhere, Lost are the days of artists signing comics and feeling like they were the biggest thing since the back scratcher and The flowbee,  I haven't really looked back to see if comics are even worth reading anymore, Granted I've collected some good titles over the years and I'm not completely knocking the industry, It's just how things were in the 90's,  And my comic collection? You can buy everything from the two for a dollar bin. Fuck you comic book companies for ripping us off and goodnight..