Monday, November 29, 2010

The year the earth suuucked!

I don't know how the term was made but here in my honest opinion is the worst movie turkeys this year.(Trust me it wasn't a good experience)

Sex and the city 2
Ah man, what can i say, I took one for the team and saw this with zero expectations and boy did i get just that. Quick recap. Shallow story about ugly shallow people getting into unheard of situations, Oh wait its a movie. My bad.

Piranha 3-dBringing back a time when sex and violence was absolute king. You don't need a plot if you have a movie based of piranha fish looking for its next meal, Thats what it's suppose to do. But i do give some sort of credit, It's got gore to the fullest and a stab at America's mind numbing alcohol filled no holds barred morally challenged youth. And 3-d boobies...

Jonah hexOk, I never ever got into the whole Jonah hex comic book thing back in the day, So i didn't know what to expect. But man is this movie fucking horrible. I couldn't get past the bad acting and one liners, I kept looking around for a Smith and Wesson ol' timey pistol and do myself in. How long did my viewing last? about 30 minutes before i started to dream of something better. Oh yeah megan fox is in it. You still can't sprinkle gold on dogshit. It's not right.

The losersYay! it's the A-team! fuck my bad it's The losers and i never heard of it, Umm yeah it was a comic too? I never heard of that. Fuck i never heard anything about it and after watching it i wish i could go back to not knowing anything about it. Truly forgettable.

RedTalk about hype. all hype, Bruce willis, Morgan freeman, John blah blah blah blah blah. The premise could have worked but man, The movie drags along to the point of not caring who betrayed who and who did what.. Ah christ, I don't even know what the story is about. And all this hype surrounding this film claiming it's the best thing since god know what, I don't see it man, I don't see it, This is definitely one of those movies that fall into the category of "Why the fuck did Get shorty win best comedy at the awards"

Moby dick 2010
Ok if you would have told me 20 years ago that the singer Tiffany would be in a movie about Moby dick in the year 2010 i would have been amazed, It's 2010 and the word amazed can't be combined with this movie in any way, Everything in it is cgi and i'm saying that with dignity, The effects are so bad that i couldn't even fathom as to why this thing was made, Who greenlit this project? I know how this all went down man... i know..., In a basement somewhere... *SON* "Mom!" I just made this movie using nothing but that Fisher price My first animation program you bought me, Can you give it to my favorite uncle who happens to run a movie studio?" **MOM* Awww son, i didn't even see it and i know it's perfect, I love you"

Oh my bad, Tiffany wasn't in that movie, She was in this...

Mega piranhaWhen the movie poster has better effects than the actual movie you know you're in trouble. These movies shouldn't possibly exist at this day and age. I truly wished for the piranhas from the 3-d version to eat everyone in this one. Possibly 3 minutes into the opening credits.

Happy holidays everyone!!!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Grabbing the nuts (in retrospect)

I've slayed thru tons of them, Possibly thousands, Some were memorable to a degree of joy and some were downright forgetfully awful. I'm of course speaking of Video games. So here are a few random games from random systems that were so insanely hard to beat that after doing so i got up and grab these big ol nuts with a sense of accomplishment.

Mike Tyson's punch out! (nes)OK, to get to Mike Tyson you had to fight a ton of boxers and if you made it all the way up the ranks Mike will knock you out with one punch, kinda like in real life.


Ghost and goblins (nes)This game is so hard that even after you beat it you go back to the beginning and have to finish it again to get the proper ending. what's even worse than that? NO SAVESTATE OR PASSWORD!

Adventures of bayou billyMy fondest memory was when the last boss came out with two henchmen and i got the shit kicked out of me followed by a game over screen. I hate you...

Honorable mention
Ninja gaiden series
Megaman series
Metroid (fucked up password system)

Dark savior (Sega Saturn)3/4th view made it impossible at certain levels, and if you don't believe me, Try out the mining cart stage.

X-men (Sega Saturn)Finishing it was easy, But finishing it with Akuma is downright impossible. Like continued a hundred times impossible.

Honorable mention
Panzer dragoon series
Shining force series
Tomb raider

Hell (3do)Point here click there, that's all you had to do in this game, But the puzzles were downright impossible, You had to have two full functioning brains to figure it all out, and i did but also inherited insanity. Thank you.

Beelzebub,Belial, Mephistopheles,Beelzebub,belial,Mephistopheles,Beelzebub,Belial,Mephistopheles (Play it, you'll know what i mean)

Honorable mention
Road rash

Spiderman/xmen (snes)You will never finish this game.. i guarantee...The end is ficking nigh!

Ah how i reminisce over that Gambit stage.. Classic.

Honorable mention
Super ghouls and ghost

Chakan (Sega Genesis)How can i explain this one, It's an action platformer with an awesome character that came out of nowhere, Man was this game hard to beat. I remember after you make it to the final boss you only have one try. After that, Game over man.

Honorable mention
Sword of sodan
Target earth
Phantasy star series

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I have a pet named peeve, and he wants to bite you in the ass.

Unfortunately we all have to deal with the fact that things are the way they are and no matter what i simply can't avoid the cosmic powers of scenarios that drive me crazy... Enjoy.

High priced sneakersYou just spent a few hundred on a pair of sneakers only to step on dogshit. Next time just give me a fifty so i can punch you in the face.

Cellphone upgradesOk, So you bought a new cell phone, And 3 months later you buy another cell phone to replace the last cellphone because the megapixel is 3 mb more. Congratulations, You're part of the idiot club.

BluetoothEveryone who speaks on a bluetooth usually looks and sounds too serious to ignore. But of course you would too if your're giving an excuse as to why you havent paid your rent. Yep, Living the Star trek dream.

Fanny packsYes, The fashion statement for every person who are simply too lazy to stick their wallet in their pants. And oh yeah it's not a girdle dude. For the 45 and only crowd please.

Using different venacularOk so you want a coffee somewhere but you can't tell what size you need because guess what. You don't speak any language other than english. The trend is so stupid, Fuck it i'm gonna open up my own shop and just name shit that doesn't even make sense. Do you want a rat ball pastry with hot anal fudge? Sold!.

Elderly lottery winnersHere's how it works. If you are ages 1 thru 50 you will never win. But if you are over the age of 75 and own 2 houses then it's in the bag baby! Instant winner. Here for you to enjoy is the usual timeline of said event.

6 months later

And a will testinony laterOf course it's for the cat. Duh!